This conversation among family elders and their grown children should cover the type of end-of-life care we want, the location of our important papers and the list of people who need to be contacted when we die.

Anyone can start the conversation, but we believe the senior members of the family should take the initiative. These are not cheerful topics but much unneeded grief can be avoided by having the conversation now.
Simply go straight to the point. We have found openings like this work:

"Kids, your Mom and I (or your Dad and I, or simply I, depending on the circumstances) think it's a good idea now that we are all together to let you know about some things we'd like done if we become seriously ill or incapacitated."

"We also want to tell you about where to find the documents you will need when we die. We plan to be around for a while, but having everything in order helps us too and gives us peace of mind."

If your grown children would rather not talk about it, impress upon them that you would. Remind them of the tragic story of Terri Schiavo, the brain-damaged Florida woman who died in 2005 after a bitter and protracted battle between the parents who wanted to keep her alive with a feeding tube and the husband who claimed her wish was not to be kept artificially alive.

"A simple and inexpensive living will could have avoided 15 years of agony and saved both sides hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal expenses," said Martin Kuritz, a retired estate planner in California.

A living will specifies the care you want. A companion document, a durable power of attorney for health care, names the person you want to make decisions for you when you are unable to do so.

"Making difficult medical decisions about your own health, or someone else's, is very stressful regardless of how much preparation is done," said Dr. David Casarett, chair of the American Geriatrics Society Ethics Committee. But taking steps such as preparing these documents and discussing wishes in advance can help reduce stress later and ensure that a patient's medical wishes are being followed, Casarett said.

Kuritz, author of the family information organizer "The Beneficiary Book" (information at www.active-insights.com), recommends you also:

    -  Detail in writing all your final wishes and arrangements.
 Where applicable, seek the advice from a qualified legal professional who can draw up documentation to support your wishes.
    -  Make a detailed list of the location of important papers and documents such as wills, trusts, contracts, insurance policies and deeds.
    -  Create an "Important Contacts Directory" including your accountant, lawyer and other key advisers and family members and friends.
    -  Maintain and keep in a secure location a list containing the combination to your safe, passwords, codes, access numbers and the location of spare keys.
    -  List assets, liabilities, what bills should and should not be paid and who owes you money.
   

    -  Detail the intended use and provide instructions for bequeathed assets. Where applicable, provide information regarding what assets should be sold, and when, as well as what assets should be held onto, and for how long. 
    -  Create and maintain up-to-date medical information that includes insurance and doctor contact information, medications and allergies.
    -  Share with loved ones your thoughts, wisdom and stories about your life. Also consider passing down unsaid feelings that can resolve unfinished family concerns.
    -  Provide detail information about the care and well-being of your pets, if you have any.

And of course, don't forget to tell  those whom you have appointed to carry out your final wishes where you keep this information.

(Humberto and Georgina Cruz are a husband-and-wife writing team who work and travel together. Send questions and comments to AskHumberto@aol.com, GVCruz@aol.com, or c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207. Personal replies are not possible.)